Fuck Gas

It’s no wonder why so many cops are fat fucking slobs. This morning while navigating the ever so “bicycle friendly” streets of our fair city I came across a semi with trailer parked along a two lane section of road. There’s a lot of construction going on in the area and the driver was waiting to pull in the site to be unloaded. I was waiting for oncoming traffic to clear so I could ride by and traffic was beginning to back up. A cop parked about 50 feet away on the other side of the road drove that distance (50 feet) to tell the driver he need to do something along the lines of moving the rig out of the way. Our officer of the peace then proceeded to back up a bit, turn around and drive back the other way. Being in the front of all this mess I took this as a cue to follow through and not get my bicycle riding ass run over by oncoming traffic swinging around the blind turn up ahead.

Well, 50 feet later he swings back into the right lane and flips a u turn only to not make it all the way around, and next throws the squad car into reverse in order to be able to complete the ever so illegal u-turn. As soon as I realized what he was doing I stopped, noticing cars flying around the corner up ahead I gave him a heads up call. He stopped everything. Now we’re in an even more dangerous position than at any previous moment. Cars breaking everywhere while he yells at me.

Chubby Wubby: “You see the blue lights, you need to give it a minute!”

Me: “Just trying to help man, you weren’t paying attention to the cars coming up behind you…”

CW: “Go on!”

Me: “Have a nice day douche bag…”

Really, the bottom line is get your fat ass out of the fucking car and direct some traffic. The whole street is a fucking disaster as are many around it with people having to blindly pull out of cross streets onto busier ones. All of these locations have police officers sitting in their cars with the engines running. These fat fucks should be out there telling people when it’s safe to go before someone gets fucked up. This is what you pay taxes for? Seriously, fuck the police.

Alright, I know it’s not just you crazy fucking honkeys out there riding this shit around the street, but I’d be willing to bet some goon ass white dude is responsible. I’m very curious how it is that 30 pound, full suspension, “not for off road use” mountain bikes dominate U.S. cities as the default mode of urban and suburban bicycle transportation. I get upset pedaling a mountain bike a mile to the trail head. It’s about as inefficient as it gets and my mountain bike is a hardtail. The only thing worse is traversing the city on a BMX bike.

I would also like to take a look at who the fuck bought Schwinn and Mongoose and made them comparable to Next and Roadmaster all while being available on the same racks in Wal-Mart and Target. I’ve fucking had it and I want some answers! Okay, honestly I could give a shit less, it’s just interesting is all. I understand it from the “Let’s sell a lot of fucking bikes!” standpoint. I mean any 30 year old dude walking into Wal-Mart to buy his kid a bike is gonna jump all over a Mongoose. Those things were something to have in 1985. But how do you take an icon and turn it to shit to sell more units? Obviously this is why I am not a business man, but a mechanic left to bitch and moan over the state of these lousy piles of shit.

Do the world a favor and buy your bicycles from a locally owned bike shop. You don’t buy computers from the gas station do you? You know what, you can stop right there cause i know what you’re thinking… “well, I would if they were a third the price of the computer store.” Well, it would work a 10th of the time and never correctly. Bottom line, you’re an asshole.

I haven’t watched South Park since probably the first season and even then I was only watching cause it was rumored they were drawing the thing in Corel Draw. Corel Draw?! Inconceivable! So be it. This lady I’m dating got me watching again after having me sit through an episode over at her place the other night and I’m in love again… South Park, it’s too early for her. Slow down kids.

Back to my story. So every week, okay let’s be honest, I don’t go “Every Week,” I am required by the state to attend a alcohol and drug abuse “class.” Really, it’s just a group of people sitting around talking shit, generally doing everything they can to just get through the fucking hour and a half bullshit and hand over their $20. I have 52 of these classes to complete before becoming compliant with the court’s orders. Many people have entered AA that are required to participate in this program, and last week I brought up how much of a bullshit racket the whole program really is. To my surprise, the lady leading the group that evening basicly agreed.

Now, back to South Park. Sitting around folding laundry last night, enjoying a cool Lone Star, I landed on season 9’s episode, Bloody Mary. The above clip is probably the most awesome bit of logic concerning alcohol consumption I have ever heard in my life. Moderation, self control and discipline are not things americans do so well at. Like Stan’s Dad mentions, what if he’s an all or nothing sort of guy. Well here it is… grow the fuck up and take some responibility for your fucking lives people. That same lovely lady I’m dating works with kids all day that are diagnosed with all sorts of so-called behavioral disorders. In reality most of these kids are just kids with complete douche bags for parents. Parents that can’t pull their heads out of their own asses long enough to love and adore their own children. As far as I’m concerned it’s the same story with alcoholism and so many other “diseases.”

Stop acting like a child america and grow the fuck up. Take some responsibility for the things going on in your own backyard, your own neighborhood and maybe this country wouldn’t be such a complete wasteland of human nature. Stop relying on the government to handle your problems, start saving your own money and stop acting like you’re such a helpless pile of shit. It’s a real turn off.

One last thing, in case you missed it. The Netherlands are going to the World Cup FINALS! Yesterday my boys on oranje beat out Uruguay 3-2 in the first semi-final. Today Germany and Spain go at one another to see who will be joing the Dutch this Sunday. I swear, if Holland pulls this off I will probably end up crying over the whole damn thing. Hup, Holland, Hup!

Right on america! You’re the best. Hope everyone celebrated their liberty and freedumbs by exploding a bunch of gunpowder… how else would american’s roll? We get excited and blow shit up, bitches! My body hurts from a weekend of exhaustion and it always amazes me how much people can be complete douche bags. I don’t care how short your shorts are, how tight your shirt is or how amazingly amazing your fixie bra is bro, when you’re a shithead, you’re a shithead. When someone is nice enough to celebrate stupid holidays by inviting you over to their house for food and beers you don’t act like a dick because they ask you to calm the fuck down, regardless of what day of the year it is. Get your fucking life together and gain some respect for your fellow humans.

I hate people. Yes, even you.

Found this one over at Copenhagenize and it’s got some really great points. Check out Jack’s 10 reasons to wear a helmet in the car. This coupled with another post by Mikael really got me thinking about the whole cycling helmet issue. Riding a bicycle down the street is not a dangerous activity. It’s the cars and neglectful driving that create the hazard. I’ve always had an issue with this from a parenting standpoint. The mother of my children is very much on the side of helmets. “The kids need to wear helmets when riding their bikes.” This I don’t have so much of a problem with when we’re at the skatepark or trails. That has a danger element thrown in. However, I feel they’ll be just fine riding over to their friends or up to the store.

Well, what about in the car? The spot where the real danger emerges from while traveling. Driving is dangerous as fuck, plain and simple. Over 1 million people die from car crashes a year. That’s insane! Regardless, communities still push forward with a carcentric infrastructure with no plans on vearing in another direction. As Mikael mentions over at Copenhagenize, we have to stop falling into this wear your bike helmet bullshit. Riding a bike isn’t dangerous, cars are dangerous! The general ideas behind so many bicycle advocacy measures focus on safety and honestly it makes riding a bike on the road sound scary. No wonder more people aren’t out there riding. All they hear is how dangerous it is to be on the road.

Bicycles are a fast form of transportation. However, here in America the landscape has been designed for the car. Nothing is convenient. I really don’t know what the answer is. How do you turn generations of thought around? We’re raised in cars in this country. How do you convince cities to take driving lanes away, narrow roads and reduce the amount of space for cars to travel in? I suppose this is nothing new and I’m just bitching and moaning as we all know these aspects. I’m just asking for everyone to stop making bike riding sound so damn dangerous and slow the fuck down if you’re driving. The speed limit is that, a limit. You can go slower.

Today’s lesson in government and politics provides us with the term “Railroaded.”

railroaded:

transitive verb 1 a : to convict with undue haste and by means of false charges or insufficient evidence b : to push through hastily or without due consideration
2 : to transport by railroad

1a fit’s quite well with insufficient evidence. Fuck your government, it’s politics and officials. I’m being fucked over because a judge (Mrs. Williams) doesn’t want to piss off the cops and prosecutors. Bullshit!

So, if you’re into this government thing there’s a Mayoral Bike Forum tonight at the Clifton Center (2117 Payne Street) beginning at 6:30 pm. It’s all a racket, plain and simple. As well, you can also read some about the Obama/LaHood bike and pedestrian policy hoopla over at the Huffington Post.

Will someone please explain to me why hiding identities and bike blogs seem to go hand in hand? As I’m sure you know by know, there’s apparently some big who-ha about the Bike Snob dude having his picture in the Wall Street Journal or some shit. As well, you’ve got others like Stevil at AHTBM always black barring his face and countless others doing the same. What gives? Does anyone really care? Are any of these sites providing top secret bicycle news that revealing their identities would compromise the national security of bicycle bullshit? The answer is no and I’m hungry. Arsenal plays Barcelona today in the first leg of their Champions League semi-final so I’ve got bigger shits to worry about. I need to get to the store before I open shop or else I’m going to be in this kind of mood all damn day. Fuck, ass!

quick feb edit from steven jensen on Vimeo.

Alright, don’t get me wrong here. I seriously love everything All City is putting out (likely what I’ll go with when I start putting together a bike to replace the stolen Surly with) and love riding fixed all while appreciating the skill involved in fixed freestyle. However, the shit doesn’t have flow and I don’t see how it ever will. Yes tricks and styles will evolve as with every sport, but it just seems the physics involved are going to prevent a lot of stuff from looking good. I don’t want to be a hater and just put a lot of negativity out there, but I think it just needs to be said. Regardless, have fun doing what you do and tell everyone else to fuck off, including me.

I just wanted to hand out a hardy, FUCK YOU to Chevrolet for their ad shitting on public transportation. I first spotted this one over at Copenhagenize to which I discovered they had found it at Urbanophile. Not that I would ever expect anything different from an automaker, let alone an advertising agency. Seriously goes to show the sick idea of the world around us that has been shoved down our throats since what must have been World War 2. This is part of what is wrong with modern society. These fucked up corporations coupled with government and anti-communal ideals that are tearing this place apart. Do yourself a favor, meet your neighbors, talk to a stranger, smile and say good morning. It’s not that hard people.

Dear Austin,

How’s Texas? It’s still cold here and now it’s snowing again. I long for the beautiful, warm nights we spent together. Pedaling around downtown, drinking Lone Star and just seeing where the evening took us. I have a bike ride here tonight. We’re meeting at On Your Left and probably taking a direct route to The Swan Dive because Mother Nature is such a bitch she can’t even allow me this one evening for warm weather and friends. I’ve really had it with her, I think we’re breaking up. It’s really needed to happen for some time now, I just wanted to give her another chance. I’m like so over it, enough about her…

So anyway, about that bike ride. People have been wondering if it was still going to happen so it may just be me and a few close friends, but we’ll have fun regardless. I really do hope people show up. Becca (from the Swan Dive) is even making vegan lasagna, having $2.50 24oz High Life’s in a can and we’ll be watching The Triplets of Belleville. Doesn’t get much better than that… until you add the beer delivery guy throwing in a bunch of High Life hats to give away. They’re pretty awesome, red and black plaid, insulated and even have the ear flap things.I enclosed a copy of the flyer for the ride tonight too. I hope you like it and put it up on your wall with all your other radical spoke cards and punk rock show posters.

I hope everything is going well down in Texas. You know I miss you, Austin. I know we will see each other again some day. Until then, say hi to everybody for me and tell them I love them.

Love,
Jimmy